I hate it when...

I HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, "JUST BE PATIENT, THE RIGHT ONE WILL COME ALONG. JUST WAIT." NO!!! I WANT LOVE NOW!

Selfish for Love.....

I'm selfish for love. I want and need it really bad. "Well love yourself 1st Lisa." 23 years and all I need and want is to feel and be loved by another...how hard is that. Why can't I have that! Why? Why? Why? Mother didn't love me...Why? Father hurt me...Why? I give of myself and get nothing in return...I try God. Why can't I just be loved. Tired. Searching for someone to love me with these flaws. Every guy I meet wants just me physically but they don't want Lisa. Or they wanted what Lisa had to offer them financially and emotionally. Drained me then left me. With nothing. I just want to know how it feels to be in love and be loved back. All the guys see Lisa with her kids and run...Yea I want a family one day but love me now. Please just love me. Protect me. Why am I never good enough. So easy for you to take from me...don't you see you are hurting me. I reject you because you can't give me what I need. I accept you because for the moment I pretend you are.

Game For Life

So I'm back. Yay!! My last post was very depressing and I was at a very low point. I'm better, I'm not going to say I don't have low points anymore, because I do. I decided against deleting it because heck its me and my life. I am who I am. Anywhoo I've learned to not give into my emotions so much. Its not worth it. Social networks are a definite lead way to just vent and vent. It was almost like a cry of help for me in a way. I think a lot of us unconscionably do that. To make it short I came across this scripture, Proverbs 29:11. Go get your bible or Google it. I have to use this scripture to calm myself sometimes. Maybe it will help someone who reads this post one day.

So anyways I just watched a youtubers vid on her commencement from College, I naturally teared up. I really am thinking of showing my journey on YouTube. Maybe it will inspire someone like I've been inspired. I know to some this may seem like a simple task (graduating) but it would mean so much to me to overcome some of the obstacles Ive placed on myself. There are two major ones I need to jump and when I do, lemme tell you It was a long way coming. I'm right at the forefront of that journey. I missed out on so much bcuz I gave up. There is no pain like giving up. Hurts like hell. But we always get another chance to live, start over and try again. Thats all you can do. Thats where I am, I'm starting over. Starting a journey I never quite allowed myself to finish nor start. My life isn't as cloudy. God has me at a place in life where I have clarity and a space to work on myself and accomplish my goals.'m so grateful for that. Sometimes our purpose in life doesn't include the ones we love, aspire to love and have loved. Once everything that isn't for you is out of your life, then its time to take hold and say its my time to work on me and start my journey. Thank God for the wisdom and clarity to even recognize that. You can either fight it or move forward with it.

I'm finding pieces of me that I lost and pieces of me that I never allowed myself to find in the 1st place. Its a wild experience but I'm game for it.

On to the Next One...

Hey I'm back to the one or two people who might actually skim over or read this. I was debating on whether to delete my last post because it's so depressing and negative but I'm tired of feeling like I should apologize for the way I feel sometimes. I have very low moments in my life where I let things get to me. But hey I'm back for now....Keep Reading.

On to the Next One.

Delete?

One minute I'm up and the next.....maybe its just me. people must hate me for being so damn depressed all the time. Really starting to think I should delete this blog. It's just turning into one depressing post after another. No one wants to read that. I hate who I am.

HE IS ABLE

God is able to do just what He said He would do. He's gonna fulfill every promise to you. Don't give up on God, cuz he won't give up on you. He's able. Thank you Jesus. I believe that with all that is in me.

What will it take for me to be happy and stay happy. I feel so unfulfilled. I don't understand it. I'm blessed. I don't complain so much for attention or for people to feel sorry for me. I honestly am depressed. God could bless me with a million dollars and I would still feel the same. Starting to think I need to talk to someone about this. I feel so alone. It's all I know is to be alone. There is no point in me looking for a boyfriend. I have nothing to offer him. My life is my kids. We couldn't even go out on dates. My life sucks big time. Why? Bcuz I'm always sad and depressed. It's so hard raising my kids by myself. Simple things like going to the grocery store is like an adventure for me. I don't know it's my fault I chose to have kids I guess. Tired of people looking at me like damn she has all them kids. "Wow, your hands or full". Yea I know. But I love my babes. It's my life. Why did my life turn out this way? I don't even look the way I want to look. I go to places that have clothes for me and skip right over it because I know it's no use. I can't afford it. My kids need more than I do. Things that make a woman feel pretty and good, I don't have. I have been wearing the same clothes and shoes for years now. But I really don't care because I'm not a clothes or shoe person but it would be nice to just feel pretty one day. Makeup, getting my nails done, pedicures, hair being done every week or things foreign to me. I don't even know what life would be like if I could do all that. I envy girls who have all this and have a group of girlfriends they go out with. I don't know. I guess I feel more comfortable being alone. Always have. This is me venting. I might feel different tomorrow. That's depression. One minute im up and then down for no good reason.