I hate it when...

I HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, "JUST BE PATIENT, THE RIGHT ONE WILL COME ALONG. JUST WAIT." NO!!! I WANT LOVE NOW!

Selfish for Love.....

I'm selfish for love. I want and need it really bad. "Well love yourself 1st Lisa." 23 years and all I need and want is to feel and be loved by another...how hard is that. Why can't I have that! Why? Why? Why? Mother didn't love me...Why? Father hurt me...Why? I give of myself and get nothing in return...I try God. Why can't I just be loved. Tired. Searching for someone to love me with these flaws. Every guy I meet wants just me physically but they don't want Lisa. Or they wanted what Lisa had to offer them financially and emotionally. Drained me then left me. With nothing. I just want to know how it feels to be in love and be loved back. All the guys see Lisa with her kids and run...Yea I want a family one day but love me now. Please just love me. Protect me. Why am I never good enough. So easy for you to take from me...don't you see you are hurting me. I reject you because you can't give me what I need. I accept you because for the moment I pretend you are.

Game For Life

So I'm back. Yay!! My last post was very depressing and I was at a very low point. I'm better, I'm not going to say I don't have low points anymore, because I do. I decided against deleting it because heck its me and my life. I am who I am. Anywhoo I've learned to not give into my emotions so much. Its not worth it. Social networks are a definite lead way to just vent and vent. It was almost like a cry of help for me in a way. I think a lot of us unconscionably do that. To make it short I came across this scripture, Proverbs 29:11. Go get your bible or Google it. I have to use this scripture to calm myself sometimes. Maybe it will help someone who reads this post one day.

So anyways I just watched a youtubers vid on her commencement from College, I naturally teared up. I really am thinking of showing my journey on YouTube. Maybe it will inspire someone like I've been inspired. I know to some this may seem like a simple task (graduating) but it would mean so much to me to overcome some of the obstacles Ive placed on myself. There are two major ones I need to jump and when I do, lemme tell you It was a long way coming. I'm right at the forefront of that journey. I missed out on so much bcuz I gave up. There is no pain like giving up. Hurts like hell. But we always get another chance to live, start over and try again. Thats all you can do. Thats where I am, I'm starting over. Starting a journey I never quite allowed myself to finish nor start. My life isn't as cloudy. God has me at a place in life where I have clarity and a space to work on myself and accomplish my goals.'m so grateful for that. Sometimes our purpose in life doesn't include the ones we love, aspire to love and have loved. Once everything that isn't for you is out of your life, then its time to take hold and say its my time to work on me and start my journey. Thank God for the wisdom and clarity to even recognize that. You can either fight it or move forward with it.

I'm finding pieces of me that I lost and pieces of me that I never allowed myself to find in the 1st place. Its a wild experience but I'm game for it.

On to the Next One...

Hey I'm back to the one or two people who might actually skim over or read this. I was debating on whether to delete my last post because it's so depressing and negative but I'm tired of feeling like I should apologize for the way I feel sometimes. I have very low moments in my life where I let things get to me. But hey I'm back for now....Keep Reading.

On to the Next One.

Delete?

One minute I'm up and the next.....maybe its just me. people must hate me for being so damn depressed all the time. Really starting to think I should delete this blog. It's just turning into one depressing post after another. No one wants to read that. I hate who I am.

HE IS ABLE

God is able to do just what He said He would do. He's gonna fulfill every promise to you. Don't give up on God, cuz he won't give up on you. He's able. Thank you Jesus. I believe that with all that is in me.

What will it take for me to be happy and stay happy. I feel so unfulfilled. I don't understand it. I'm blessed. I don't complain so much for attention or for people to feel sorry for me. I honestly am depressed. God could bless me with a million dollars and I would still feel the same. Starting to think I need to talk to someone about this. I feel so alone. It's all I know is to be alone. There is no point in me looking for a boyfriend. I have nothing to offer him. My life is my kids. We couldn't even go out on dates. My life sucks big time. Why? Bcuz I'm always sad and depressed. It's so hard raising my kids by myself. Simple things like going to the grocery store is like an adventure for me. I don't know it's my fault I chose to have kids I guess. Tired of people looking at me like damn she has all them kids. "Wow, your hands or full". Yea I know. But I love my babes. It's my life. Why did my life turn out this way? I don't even look the way I want to look. I go to places that have clothes for me and skip right over it because I know it's no use. I can't afford it. My kids need more than I do. Things that make a woman feel pretty and good, I don't have. I have been wearing the same clothes and shoes for years now. But I really don't care because I'm not a clothes or shoe person but it would be nice to just feel pretty one day. Makeup, getting my nails done, pedicures, hair being done every week or things foreign to me. I don't even know what life would be like if I could do all that. I envy girls who have all this and have a group of girlfriends they go out with. I don't know. I guess I feel more comfortable being alone. Always have. This is me venting. I might feel different tomorrow. That's depression. One minute im up and then down for no good reason.

HOW TO: Build a More Beautiful Blog

I found this story on one of the best tech and social media news sites on the web, Mashable.

HOW TO: Build a More Beautiful Blog

There are a lot of great resources and tips to help with sprucing up your blog. Which I desperately needed. Enjoy if you are a blogger or a inspiring one.



Posted using ShareThis

I Need Help ASAP

I really feel I have Adult ADD and that I suffer from bouts of depression. I am tired y'all. I really have to talk to someone or get some help for whatever this is. Many people don't take mental illness seriously. But I'm tired of trying to pretend I can wake up one morning and not deal with the things that continually haunt me everyday. Things that have been haunting me for years. I just need to know that there is some type of logic behind this. My next post or a post in the near future I will get more into detail on why I believe I suffer from ADD and depression. I also feel I have a personality disorder. All these things are screwing up my life. I am never going to accomplish anything dealing with this. It is late and as usual I am up. My mind is going 100 mph and it won't stop. It's like a thousand voices all going at the same time. Everything around me inside and out is a complete mess and in utter disarray. My life is a complete failure. I do not for the life of me know how to maintain a healthy, long term relationship with family and friends. I stay cooped up in my house for days on ends. No friends. I don't have a life outside of my kids. I am lonely, heartbroken and tired. Something has got to give. I am seeking help. This is for my kids more than it is for me. That is all I can blog for now. I am aware my blog has yet to capture who I am and my story. I will get to that one day. Just not ready....

Follow me

Follow my life in real time with Twitter updates:
@LisaTweets86

Disclaimer: My tweets are not for the ignorant that stalks on the DL and then gets offended when they read something that they don't agree with. Save yourself the trouble.

P.S. If you have came through and peeked at my blog...don't be DL. Hit the follow button. I would really appreciate it. :-)

*Insert the above disclaimer for my blog also*

God wants me to know...

On this day God wants me to know....that you have so many gifts! - use them. God has given you so many gifts to show love and to give hope, to shine light and to spread joy. Abundant gifts. Use them. Give to yourself and give to others. There is an endless spring where they come from.

All Hail The Dance Queen! Miss Jackson.

Work Janet!

I am a mother

Yesterday I had an "Ah ha" moment watching the Oprah show. She had comedian Rosie O'Donnell as her guest. Something struck me when Rosie mentioned that a friend brought to her attention that she always brought up the fact she was a motherless child. Rosie herself is a mother to beautiful children. That same friend told her that either her story can be the motherless child or the mother. That really resonated to me. We choose our own life stories. I'm learning to stop embracing the pain and to embrace the present. I don't have to live in the past. I choose my own story. My mother didn't raise me. I was and still am affected by that. But that doesn't have to define me. That isn't my story. My present is I am a mother of 3 wonderful and beautiful children. My past is I was motherless but my story is that I am a mother.

God wants me to know...

On this day God wants me to know..... ... that your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. God loves you with the very air you breath, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - ...melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance.

Scoping the Scene

Wow, So I just checked out a few other blogger blogs and it's just safe to say that this blog is under construction. I am most def going to clean it up and make it look fantastical. So just have patience with me.

This is a Test

This is a test. This blog is a test. My life is a test. My failures thus far in 2010 are a test. That is all I have to say for now.